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Old 02-23-2018, 04:40 AM   #1
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The TBY Joke Thread

Hey, fellas! I've created this thread for us to share a few full-hearted laughs, something to lighten up the day when the going gets rough or you just needed something to pick you up from a gloomy day. Let me start this up with a few shorts:

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need..

...just five more minutes.
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Old 02-23-2018, 04:41 AM   #2
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

This new thesaurus I bought is the worst..

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
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Old 02-23-2018, 04:41 AM   #3
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
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Old 02-23-2018, 08:37 AM   #4
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

My nuts smell like pee.
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Old 02-23-2018, 09:10 AM   #5
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.

“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!”

This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
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The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”
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Old 02-23-2018, 09:20 AM   #6
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

It’s 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date.

Bobby politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”
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Old 02-26-2018, 09:42 AM   #7
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream.”
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Old 02-26-2018, 10:02 PM   #8
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

Spoiler:
The Taste
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Old 02-28-2018, 07:45 PM   #9
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

I was going to tell you guys a time travel joke, but you didn't like it.
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Old 02-28-2018, 08:40 PM   #10
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

Haha
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Old 03-01-2018, 09:24 AM   #11
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoodSkanky View Post
I was going to tell you guys a time travel joke, but you didn't like it.
Ha!

now that's a good one!

-------------------------------------
Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...


I thought i'd pop on here to check the forum while the kettle boils.
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Old 04-03-2018, 10:59 AM   #12
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer thinks blondes are dumb and that he can get one over on her easily, so the lawyer asks if the blonde would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to fall asleep.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, then you'll ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The blonde quietly reaches into her pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all the references he could find on the internet; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the blonde up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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Old 06-06-2018, 02:47 PM   #13
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.

She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."

Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"

On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."

"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.

"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."

Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."

"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging"
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Old 06-07-2018, 10:09 PM   #14
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

nice
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Old 07-06-2018, 02:22 PM   #15
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
submitted 1 day ago by numberstaken

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”
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Old 07-07-2018, 03:27 AM   #16
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Re: The TBY Joke Thread

A nurse walks into the doctor's office. She says, "Hey Doc, there's a guy out here who claims he's invisible." The doctor looks up from his papers. "Tell him I'm busy and can't see him right now."
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